The Doctors Struggle
by kayleighchaos093
Summary: The Doctor realized he was in love with Rose Tyler when it was too late to be prevented. He was already too far gone. All he could do now was pretend that his hearts dont stop every time he looks at her.... ten/Rose
1. Chapter 1

THE INEVITABLE

The first time The Doctor realized he was in danger of falling in love with Rose Tyler was when he was already too far gone for it to have been prevented. He realized now that nearly every waking moment he spent with her, everything he did was because he loved her. He just hadn't realized it.

On Satellite five, that kiss between them had felt… amazing. But the Doctor had written it off as the sensation of absorbing the vortex. He ignored the fact that it's supposed to be incredibly painful. Then, to him falling in love was beyond impossible for him. It seems everything he deems impossible turns out to happen at one point or another.

Strictly speaking, it isn't advisable for a Time Lord to fall in love, especially wish someone who has such a comparatively smaller life span. But here he was, feeling the incredible, and dreading the inevitable.

The inevitable: Rose would have to leave someday. One year, five, ten, it didn't matter, it would happen. She had promised him forever, but forever to her was until the day she died. Could he really do that to the both of them; watch the women he loved age and die while he remained unchanged?

This is why she could never know. Never know that just the sight of her stops at least one of his hearts, that her laugh sends chills up his spine, and the rare hours he spends sleeping, he dreams of her and the life he wished they could have together.

WHEN IT HAPPENED

"Rose Tyler, you're brilliant!" The Doctor cried, taking her face between her palms and planting a quick kiss on her forehead with out thinking too much about it. He jumped away, hitting random buttons on the control panel of his Tardis.

Rose watched him with that smile she got when she anticipated their next adventure. Not all of their adventures were full of life and death situations, but the majority of them certainly did have something go wrong. It's what made this kind of life exciting, why the Doctor was able to continue on with this kind of life for hundreds of years.

"Where are we going now then?" Rose asked, leaning around the central column to peer at him while he tapped the side of his screen in an attempt to make something appear. The broad smile he had got bigger as he pulled the final lever that sent the Tardis jerking though the time vortex.

When the both of them found themselves on their backs laughing, Rose rolled over to face him. "Are you sure you passed the driving test for this thing?" she asked him, and he rolled his eyes at her. Rose accepted the hand he offered and he pulled her upright.

"Of course not. I stole her." He added simply with a fond yet sad smile at the memory. "Didn't react too well to that, but I like to think she likes me now."

Rose stared at him at a loss for words. "You _stole _the Tardis?" she asked him, not exactly disbelieving, but she had thought he might have taken at least the laws on his home planet somewhat seriously.

The Doctor nodded and grabbed his long coat to put over his suit. "Ready Miss Tyler?" he asked, offering his arm with that broad silly grin on his face that he saved for only the truly exciting trips. It made Rose's heart thump faster in anticipation as she linked her arm through his and they walked happily though the doors of the Tardis.

The Doctor stopped suddenly, a crease appearing between his eyebrows as he took in the situation. "Well this is weird," he said, letting go of Rose to retrieve his glasses. He put them on and leaned forward to read a sign posted on a fence next to them. "Dramidya?" he said, still sounding confused.

Rose was gazing in wonder at the place around him. The Doctor supposed it looked beautiful to an uninformed eye. The mountain tops in the distance literally sparked, since they were covered in sheer ice and the two suns overhead were particularly bright today. The trees just over the fence were closely related to the palm trees on earth, only these were much taller. A beach to their left was covered in red sand, and the water was a sea foamy green.

"It's the ocean!" Rose cried. "Blimey, its gorgeous. Why's the sand red?" she asked the Doctor, but he was too busy scanning the area.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, more to himself than anything, but Rose had a reply.

She shrugged her shoulders and started to kick off her shoes. "Maybe it's a private beach."

"It's a tourist attraction. For the wealthy." The Doctor said, tucking his glasses back into a pocket, still looking around curiously. It took him a moment to realize that Rose had taken off towards the red sand, her shoes left behind.

He watched her for a couple minutes, smiling a little as she discovered how warm the water was. It was nearly one hundred degrees Fahrenheit all year round on this planet, so the water stayed constantly at eighty. Like taking the universe's biggest bath.

Slowly the Doctor made his way down the beach towards her, his mind still on the mystery of the missing tourists, and those few natives who regulated the planet and its visitors. But maybe Rose was right, maybe it was a private—

"Doctor?" rose asked, turning to face him, holding her pants up so that the two inch deep water she was currently standing in didn't soak them. "Does the Tardis have bathing suits? Its been so long since I swam."

The Doctor gave the beach one last sweep, then looked at Rose. "Yeah, somewhere in there. You'll have to look for a while. I'm going to look for someone. Do not leave this beach." He stressed, thinking that maybe just this once she would listen to him.

Rose nodded and took off towards the Tardis excitedly. He was happy she was enjoying herself at least.

The doctor took off down the closest path and traveled for at least ten minutes before he found someone. It was weird for him to come across such an odd occurrence such as a deserted tourist planet, and not find any serious problems there, but here was this woman, working on something mechanical beneath a vehicle.

"Hello," the Doctor said cheerfully to her, and she hit her head in surprise.

A young female slid out from underneath wearing an expression of incredulity. She closely resembled the help staff from his first trip ever with Rose, and was more than likely the same species; a working class, living to serve, but also had to obey. So he added, "Permission to speak."

"How did you get on here?" she asked him, still looking baffled beyond reason. Honestly, it was a tourist planet.

"Well it wasn't that hard," The Doctor said simply, putting his hands deep into his pockets and shrugging. "You see, I landed my ship on the beach and—"

"But this planet's under _maintenance" _She stressed, standing and wiping her hands on her dark blue mechanics suit. "The whole place is on lockdown, we do it once every ten years or so. Takes nearly nine months." On this planet, time as a whole was measured shorter than it was on earth. That converted to once every two years, and two weeks for maintenance.

The Doctor smiled. This was probably the easiest mystery he had solved yet. No one had tired to kill them, or sell them, or enslave them. "Really?" he said. "Well, my companions been enjoying your wonderful beaches. Mind if we stay for an hour or two, then we'll be off?" he pointed a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the general area rose currently was.

The woman shrugged. "That's not my decision sir. But as long as you stay out of the staff's way, you should be fine."

"Fantastic," the Doctor said, thinking briefly that he hadn't used that word since his ninth regeneration. "Good day," He started to walk away.

The woman bowed to him and went back to work, but she suddenly looked over at him and cried, "But be careful!" The Doctor didn't hear her.

The Doctor was wondering why the Tardis had ignored the coordinates he had set and brought them here. Usually when the Tardis interfered it was when something in time needed his intervention. But there were no problems here.

His thoughts were interrupted at the sight of Rose exiting the Tardis in an emerald green string bikini. Over a year of constantly running for her life with the Doctor had toned her nicely, and he couldn't help but let his eyes wander over her. She looked a little nervous when she saw him though, and crossed her arms to hide her amazing stomach. He groaned a little internally.

Then he mentally slapped himself. What was he thinking? Rose was his friend, his trusted companion, and here he was eating her up with his eyes in an extremely inappropriate way.

_She shouldn't hide her stomach._

The Doctor nearly made a noise of annoyance at himself, but he stopped it as Rose approached him. He forced himself to look into her eyes, no where else. To his surprise, that didn't help much either. He started dwelling on the color of her eyes and the emotion behind them. This was no new development, but coupled with his recent bout of inappropriateness, he was starting to become concerned.

"So, should I change?" she asked him with a smile, still hiding her stomach.

The Doctors eyes flicked down to her hands, then back at her. "Why?" he asked, seriously confused.

"Well I can't chase after any ugly aliens in this now can I?" she said, and eyebrow peaking at him as if to say 'why else?'

The doctor shook his head, understanding her words now. "Nope. The planet's just closed down for maintenance, but you can still—hey, _ugly _aliens?" he asked, pretending to be insulted. Rose laughed at him, her tongue poking between her teeth like usual when she was teasing him. And like usual, it made him smile.

Then she took off down the beach at a sprint.

"Don't you run away from me Rose Tyler!" The Doctor cried, chasing after her, but finding himself slowing incredibly once he reached the sand. His trainers were not equipped for sand running, and he made a mental note to go barefoot should they find themselves in peril on a sandy planet.

Eventually he reached Rose. She was sitting back on her arms in the middle of the water, her entire body covered except from the next up. "Oh, there you are Doctor." She said teasingly. "Aren't you going to join me?"

The Doctor took his coat off, but went no further. "Nah," he said, putting his hands in his pockets again. "Cant swim."

"Sorry, what?" Rose asked him.

"I cant swim. Gallifrey never had any water, so we never learned."

"In your nine hundred years, you never learned how to swim?" she asked, and he shook his head. He didn't mention that all physical activities came natural to Time Lords, so he could probably swim if he wanted to. If it was important.

She gave him an odd look. "What?" he asked.

"What if you needed to swim because you were in danger?" she asked him.

The Doctor shrugged and smiled at her. "Considering the fact that I do remarkable well on foot, I don't see how it matters."

Rose laughed at him. "Do you want swimming lessons?" Rose asked him, standing up and walking closer towards him. Again he was distracted by all that skin. And how the sun reflected in her hair, and the way here eyes were looking at him, like—

"Why would I need swimming lessons?" he asked her, interrupting his own thoughts before they went too far. This was getting absolutely ridiculous.

"What if you needed to save someone who was drowning?"

The Doctor knew she was thinking of herself, and the very thought made him cringe in pain. If he let rose drown, he would never ever forgive himself. But like he thought previously, he would probably turn out to be a very excellent swimmer, and he reflected on the fact that he had never, in just over nine centuries, ever felt the need to go swimming. So he shrugged at her. "Guess they'll have to drown," he said teasingly, knowing that she knew he would never let that happen to anyone.

Rose pouted slightly, then her tongue peeked through her teeth again, and he got the feeling that that gesture and accompanying smile did not bode well for him. She closed the distance between them some more, and looked him right in the eyes.

"What if I was drowning?" she said, then she took off into the water, taking the look in his eyes as her answer.

He watched her for a couple more minutes with a smile on his face. A light breeze was tousling his already messy hair, and it felt good in the sweltering heat. He was about to sit down on his coat when he heard Rose shriek.

He scanned the water but saw no sign of her. For a split second he wasn't going to do anything, assuming she was trying to get a reaction out of him to make him swim. Then he saw a giant purple and black tentacle rise out of the water, and he felt something heavy drop in the pit of his stomach. It was the same feeling he got whenever Rose was in danger, and he cursed himself for not acting immediately.

The Doctor quickly kicked off his shoes, but bothered with no other article of clothing besides his suit jacket. Then he ran in the water until he couldn't touch the bottom anymore, and dove in.

To his surprise, his eyes were well adapted for seeing under the water, and he quickly caught sight of Rose, sinking deeper into the water in the grasp of something like a giant fish with four arms. There was apparently a shelf some thirty feet from the shore line, and it dropped who knew how far down.

Thanking any higher power that might exist that he had a complex respiratory system, he swam powerfully after her, catching up quickly. He tried not to dwell on the fact that she looked unconscious just yet, and attempted to free her from the aquatic animal's grasp. He managed to find his sonic screwdriver and pointed it at the area where the tentacle attached to the body of the fish. It shrieked in a very high frequency that made the doctor put his hands over his ears. Thankfully it released Rose and continued its dissention.

The Doctor desperately swam for the shore with Rose in tow.

He laid her out on the red sand that contrasted oddly with her bathing suit. It made her look even more beautiful, which only made the situation that much worse in his eyes.

"Rose!?" he called, checking her eyes and pulse and breathing. To his horror, she wasn't breathing. At all.

Immediately he started CPR, hoping he was doing it right. Apparently today was the day to point out all the flaws he had going in his little system of constantly tangoing with death.

Finally, after what felt like years, Rose started to cough and spewed out a fountain of water. She started to turn over and try to get it all out. The Doctor assisted her, watching her with worry. Weakly she flopped back onto her back and smiled tiredly at him. "You can swim."

He laugh at her and kissed her forehead before sitting her up so he could hug her tightly. He never wanted to let her go, in fear of something else happening to her. They always hugged like this after something particularly nasty happened to them, but this was different. Something in the Doctor had changed, and he couldn't exactly pinpoint what it was.

Later that night, as the Tardis floated in the vortex and he opened the door to Rose's room to check on her and make sure she was doing okay, he started to become overwhelmed with many unnamed emotions.

It wasn't the first time he had felt like this when he looked at someone. But what really truly scared him was the the last time had been centuries ago, when he had been courting his first wife within his first century, first regeneration.

The Doctor stood rooted to the spot as the realization washed over him.

He was in love with Rose Tyler.

BARELY HOLDING BACK

Since that night the Doctor had sworn to himself that he would never act on those feelings, or try to think about them. Mostly he did a good job of being just friends with Rose, but little moments began to creep up on his where he was just overwhelmed by her. Hidden emotions that came out to play once in a while and threatened to expose him.

Once she had decided to wear a halter top, and had tied it too tightly in an attempt to make sure it would stay up should they have to run (which they had; an all too distracting display while running for safety). But later that night she became frustrated and stomped out of her room, requesting that the Doctor untie it for her since she didn't want to have to attack it with scissors.

Thinking nothing of it, he consented. But when she bared the back of her neck for him, it truly took all the self control he had not to linger too long on her skin, or kiss it, or….

Well, the who occurrence had left him severely shaken, and unwanted imagined scenarios had played into his mind until he was becoming aroused.

The Doctor had gazed down in shock. It was a sight rarely seen by him, but it had to be hidden none the less. It was most certainly unwanted by the both of them, so he quickly finished and turned and began fiddling with buttons and knobs on the console that didn't need to be played with.

Rose came into his view, holding her top up with one hand. He nearly groaned out loud and had to look away, thanking god that everything from the waist down was hidden from her sight.

He had wondered what he must look like to her, what emotions were played out on his face, for she looked like she wanted to say something, but one look stopped her mid-sentence.

"Thanks." She merely said, and walked out of the room, leaving the Doctor to, for the first time in his life, hate the power of emotions.

CURSE OF THE TIME LORDS

Who would've guessed that this seemingly silly little quest Mickey had put them onto would reunite him with Sarah Jane. It wasn't like he hadn't wanted to see her again, in fact when he had realized it was her, he became extremely excited. Then there was the guilt.

Everything Sarah had accused him of had been true. He had left her behind one day, but at the same time he had done it for her own good. Never could he have predicted what had happened between her and Rose.

For any other guy it would be an Ego boost. Two women he cared for very much, fighting over him. But Rose's reaction was one he hadn't anticipated. She read into this exactly how he hoped she wouldn't, but she saw the truth. She saw herself in the future in Sarah Jane, and didn't want that to happen to her.

How could he explain to her that she was different from Sarah without admitting too much in the process?

Even now, as he walked out of that diner after fixing K-9, she pressed the issue, and he saw no way out. Did she see all the unspoken words in his eyes?

"How many of us have there been, traveling with you?" she asked as they both walked at a brisk pace.

"Does it matter?" The Doctor shot back. He was feeling very fed up at the moment with all the hostility and competition between Sarah Jane and Rose.

"Yeah it does." She said, "If I'm just the latest in a long line."

"As opposed to what?" he asked, turning to face her. Did she honestly believe she was the first? He was nine hundred years old!

He looked at her, trying to figure out what exactly was running through her mind. She seemed to be searching for the right words. "I thought you and me were…." She trailed off, and he knew he didn't want her to finish that sentence. "Well I obviously got it wrong." If only she knew. "I've been to the year five billion, right, but this? Now this is really seeing the future. You just leave us behind." Her words hurt him, and he couldn't stand to look her in the eyes, because she was right. "Is that what your going to do to me?"

"No." He answered, nearly cutting off her words before they were even finished. How could she think that? She was so much different from the others. "Not to you."

"But Sarah Jane, you were that close to her once, and now… you never even mention her." Was she thinking that once Rose was gone he would eraser her from his memories, never to speak or think of her again? There was a reason he kept his older companions closer to his heart, but she was just… so much more. He would never forget her. "Why not?"

"I don't age." He answered, trying to answer her question as best he could without saying _too _much. "I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone you l—"He stopped. He had almost said it; the word that meant passing the point of no return.

"What Doctor?" she asked, looking like she knew what he was going to say but wanted to hear him say it anyway.

His hearts were pounding away, and he took deep breaths, knowing that he needed to say this, that he needed her to know why they couldn't be together, even if that wasn't precisely what this conversation was about, it was in every conversation. Everything he ever said to her, it was there, an underlying message he wanted her to hear, but she couldn't hear the right frequency.

"You can spend the rest of your life with me," he told her, taking another deep breath, "But I cant spend the rest of mine with you" Did she hear the sadness in his voice the kind of emotion that only comes with centuries of experience, yet so recently reborn in him? "I have to live on. Alone." The last word he had to add, just so she knew. There was no hope. It would never happen between them, it couldn't because it defied the laws of the universe.

_Since when have you cared about laws?_ He thought bitterly to himself.

"That's the curse of the Time Lords."

FAILED DESTRACTIONS

The Doctor stared sadly at the floor as Rose and Mickey left him alone with his thoughts. Reinette had died, but that was not what was bothering him the most. It had been until he saw the look on her face when she and Mickey left him alone. She looked hurt, like she wanted him to open up to her.

Or maybe it was because of what he had done back on that ship that bothered her so much. Now he was not preoccupied with the thought of Reinette's death, but more so over his decision to leave Rose stranded on a spaceship three hundred years into her future, all for the life of a woman he had known for not even a day.

Admittedly, the whole affair was because of Rose in the first place.

Having Mickey along for the ride only frustrated the Doctor even more, because what little intimacies he had allowed himself with Rose had been taken away since he had arrived. He felt even more trapped then he had before, and the longer this continued, the less of his chance of escape.

He knew the logical course was to send Rose home, to make her live a normal life with a normal love so she could have a normal family. But instead, he chose to selfishly keep her close, and jumped on the first distraction he could find. Who better then the Mistress to a French King?

It was foolish, and not only had it failed, but he had broken two hearts, instead of just letting his own two suffer in silence. Reinette had waited her whole life, the last six years of it, for him to come back to her. He had in the end, but it had been too late.

Rose had been left without him, and the look on her face had said it all. He didn't want to believe it, didn't want to believe that they were both too far gone, but it had been staring him in the face for far too long, and he couldn't believe how easily he had ignored it.

Rose was in love with him.

The doctor sank slowly into the seat behind him, hoping for all the world that he was merely flattering himself.

CHOKING

"Tell her…" The Doctor trailed off, looking up to the light that was only just visible miles above his head, where Ida stood, waiting for him to continue his sentence.

But could he? Could he leave those words with her as a parting give. To throw it in her face and say 'here's what could've happened between us, sorry I jumped down a hole for the sake of being risky. Sorry we never got to try.' Wouldn't it be better just to leave her thinking that nothing could or would happen between them, easier for her to move on?

"Tell her…." He wanted to do it, wanted to say the words that had been plaguing him for months now. The words he couldn't say just because he was too scared to commit them to a life like that. For a few years it would be wonderful, but then….

Then something would happen, and it would all be over. One or both of them would be left in heart break.

The Doctor continued to look at the light, as if Rose were there, smiling at him like she normally did. Oh, how he wished he could have that life they had talked about just hours before. About getting a house and a job and settle down (although he could live without the mortgage), and better yet, they could _share _the house, like Rose had suggested. He probably would have taken it up with her too. Couldn't be more different then sharing the Tardis with her right?

But here he was, dangling on a wire, choking on his words because of a life he couldn't have with her.

No, he couldn't condemn her to the pain receiving those words would give, especially when they don't come directly from him.

So he took a breath, and readying himself to unclip the last clip he said, "Oh, she knows."

The last thing he remembered hearing as he fell farther and farther away from the light, strait to the pits of hell, was her voice calling her name. He was probably just imagining it though.


	2. Chapter 2

FEAR HER

It was all just so surreal for the Doctor. There are things you don't ever want to learn about yourself, and you don't realize what those things are until you happen to learn them.

It had all started out as a good mystery like any other, one where the Doctor and Rose stumble upon some sort of alien intervention purely by accident when all they were trying to do was seek a little peace.

Just the thought of peace was a bit laughable. Chaos followed the Doctor wherever he went, and many times his companions became tired of it easily. But not Rose. She had promised him forever, and she seemed determined to see that promise through the end.

But trapped in Chloe Webber's world of paper and crayon really put the universe into perspective for the Doctor, his universe anyway. Not the literal universe, which he had practically memorized. Something in that place haunted you and dredged up what you were most ashamed of, what you were too afraid to do, and it showed you the consequences.

Mostly what he had thought about during his uncomfortable stay in a piece of paper was how to help Rose when he was in such a situation. Funny what pointing can do to save the world, but it had work. And that time between his pointing and her rescuing him, he began to think.

He didn't want to think about it, he never thought he would because it was simply too painful to consider. One day Rose would be gone, and he would be left alone once again. But Chloe's world had shown him, literally made him feel, the pain he would be in once she left. It would not be like the normal loneliness he experienced after a companion leaves him. It was pure heartbreak.

The Doctor sighed while he watched Rose for a couple seconds. Someday he would have to tell her. He wasn't sure when he would, but if he didn't it would hurt him even more when she was gone. But he would make her understand, an in a way he thought she already did.

Like he had told her before, she could spend the rest of her life with him, but he couldn't spend the rest of his with her. That was his curse, and ultimately her curse. It prevented any real relationships, and his one true companion through out the years, the only one he could always count on to be there was the universe, the stars he loved to get himself lost in.

Lately he wondered if even the stars wouldn't help him anymore.

DECISIONS

Right then and there the Doctor made the worst decision of his life, but it was all for her. So that she could have a happy life with her family, so she could love freely and openly without constant heartbreak. So she could have a marriage and family, a stable home. None of these things he could give her, except by doing this.

So with a grim nod towards Pete from another world, he slipped the chain around her neck and as she turned to look at him, Pete activated it and they all disappeared.

Not before he caught the look of betrayal on her face.

Was it worth it then? Was it worth knowing he had hurt her enough that she was angry with him?

It didn't matter anymore. He was never going to see her again, and just the thought made him want to break down in sobs. But like the Time Lord he was, he held in his feelings, thinking that one day he might simply combust from the centuries of emotions he had been holding back. This past year they seemed to have increased a hundredfold in intensity.

On the outside his face resembled that of someone who was merely saying gooby to a friend for a couple months. Sad, but resigned. Inside he wanted to throw things and scream and quit. His life style was the reason she was gone, it was all his fault.

"But now he's got me." Were the last words she had said. He stood there and listened to her sing his praises he knew he didn't deserve, then sent her away. What kind of an abomination was—

"I think this is the on switch" she said, looking around as she suddenly appeared. The Doctor looked over his shoulder at her in disbelief.

He grabbed her, feeling slightly angry at her for what she was giving away, what he could never have. "Once the breech collapses that it! You'll never be able to see her again, your own mother!"

"I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never going to leave you." Words so wrong have never felt so right. "So what can I do to help?" she asked.

The Doctor pulled away slowly. No matter how much her faith in him made him feel like…. Well, like a human, he couldn't let her see that. She had to know this was wrong, that she shouldn't give this away just to waster her life with him.

Because no matter how long she stayed, they could never be together. But if she didn't stay, he would long to be with her. He wasn't sure what would hurt him the most.

AGONY

The Doctor wasn't sure he had ever felt such emotional pain as watching Rose's hand slip from the handle and her body ripped away from him strait towards the void, where she would just be. She wouldn't exist, but she wouldn't be nothing. It was hell, it was insanity, and there would be nothing he could do to get her back.

A million things ran though his head in that split second, and he knew he would never be able to live with himself if he walked around knowing that somewhere, in the small gap between universes, Rose Tyler was just being, her brilliant mind wasting away and succumbing to insanity, with nothing but the darkness and silence to be her company for all eternity.

Then a miracle, Pete came back for his daughter that wasn't really his. Quickly catching her just before the void, and with one parting glance to the Doctor, Rose was gone. It was lucky too, because the Doctor had been about to go after Rose, determined that she shouldn't have to spend eternity alone. They could go insane together.

The void closed mere seconds later, and he wondered bitterly if Rose could've held on for just a couple more seconds, if they would be hugging in celebration right now like they usually do.

He walked slowly towards the wall, for once in his life letting the waves of sadness roll over him as he suffered in silent agony. He was alone, but he still couldn't convince himself to, just this once, succumb to his emotions entirely. He placed a hand against the smooth white wall, followed by the side of his head as he searched for a connection, any connection, with Rose.

Being a Time Lord, he was slightly telepathic, and he knew that it was in vain, but he searched for her familiar mind, hoping to get some sort of final goodbye.

It hit him then, the connection with her mind he had sometimes accidently forged when they were close or in danger. It wasn't intruding, but he could pick up most feelings at best. Her agony was as intense as his own, and it was a feeling he would never forget. Not in a million years.

His fingertips tingled a little, like hers were that tiniest fraction of a space away, but he couldn't get any closer. It was how he felt in all matters concerning Rose, because try as he might to convince himself otherwise, that small gap was never to be breached. Now the barrier was there physically as well.

He said his goodbyes, knowing he would never see her again. She couldnt exactly hear his thoughts, but he hoped she got the message. _Live on, be happy. _

The Doctor, in all the agony that comes with the job description, turned away, deciding that he would take the pain of having her close to him but emotionally so far away over this any day.

COWARD

The Doctor did every thing he could think of to find Rose.

He could never get back to her, that much was certain, and she could never come back to him.

But he wanted a proper goodbye, and maybe he would finally tell her what he had wanted to tell her while cowardly hid in a whole other universe, knowing that he would not need to deal with the repercussion of his words.

_Coward. _A voice hissed in his mind.

But it was true. But he would chose coward any day.

It meant he could finally tell her.

Finally.

LAST CHANCE

There she was, walking towards him. He could see her and it felt so real, but he knew that it was only a picture inside his mind while his image was projected out onto this sandy beach a whole other universe away. She looked older, the pain was still evident in her eyes, it echoed the pain he had been feeling every day since he saw her last.

But he had found a way.

"Can I—" she reached up to touch his face.

He felt his mask slide on instinctively, all his emotional barriers went up. This was his moment and he was already wasting it. The Doctor shook his head. "I'm still just an image. No touch." But he wished he wasn't. He _wished _she could touch him, that they could hold hands and hug like they normally did.

"Cant you come through properly?" she asked, her voice shaking with emotion, and he tried to ignore the tears he saw threatening to spill from her eyes. He was always a sucker for her tears.

"The whole thing would fracture." He said, "Two universes would collapse."

"So?" Rose said quietly, and he had to laugh a little. His Rose, prepared to fight the laws of existence to be back at his side. The smile left quickly at that thought. People tended to be willing to give up _too _much at his expense, he had noticed long ago. Rose was no exception.

"Where are we?" he asked her, so that she couldn't try and convince him to destroy two universes. "Where did the gap come out?"

"We're in Norway."

"Norway, right…"

"About fifty miles outside Bergen. It's called… Darlink Ulv Strandon" she exhaggerated the words, making it extremely obvious she wasn't familiar with Norway or its language.

"Dalek?" he asked surprised, a small part of his brain thinking that he was jealous they had a place named after them but he didn't. then again… he was in every hospital on the world.

Rose corrected him. "Darlink. Its Norwegian for bad." She smiled a little, though she wasn't fooling either of them. She wasn't happy in the slightest. "This translates as Bad Wolf Bay."

Those words had followed them for years, and every time they came across them something bad had happened. He suddenly felt uneasy at making her come here to say goodbye. He was defenseless to protect her from anything. But their visit was quickly coming to an end, he thought sadly.

"How long have you got?" she asked, her words barely distinguishable through her quickly coming tears.

"'bout two minutes." He told her quietly.

She ran a hand through her hair like the Doctor did frequently. "I can't think of what to say."

He laughed, if you wanted to call it a laugh. More like a release of air to cover up a barely held back sob. Slap on a smile and you got a fake laugh.

"You still got Mr. Mickey then." Just his name burned him to say it, but the Doctor couldn't deny though his jealousy over Mickey, _human _Mickey, that he loved rose and would be as good a protector as any.

"There's five of us now," she informed him. "Mum, Dad, Mickey… and the baby." The word fell from her tongue oddly, but the Doctor felt another stab of irrational jeaoulsy.

"Your not?" he asked quietly.

"No," she said, giving an airy chuckle. "It's mum." He sighed in relief. He knew he was trying to give her a human life, but he hadn't expected her to jump right into it so soon.

She said something about her mum, but he barely heard her. "What about you?" he asked. She was all he was interested in.

"Well I'm back working in the shop."

"Oh well… good for you." He said with a small smile, remembering how he had blown up her last job.

"Shut up," she said teasingly, reminding him of the easy going banter they once had, that they never would have again. "I might… see if there's a Torchwood on this planet open for business. Think I know a thing or two about aliens."

He smiled at her, thinking that there was no better job for something she was so well suited for. Compassionate, daring, brave Rose. His Rose. He felt a surge of pride. "Rose Tyler, defender of the Earth."

She looked like she was going to say something, her face contorted as she struggled to keep back the tears. He quickly changed the subject. "Your dead, officially back home." It was what the beast on the impossible planet had meant, how she would die in battle. Well, Rose Tyler was officially dead, and he tried not to think about it too much. "So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on the list of the dead." So was Jackie, but that went without saying.

She finally let out a small sob. It was quiet, but enough to break his hearts. She looked down and placed a hand on her mouth. He kept the fake smile on his face.

"Here you are, living your life day after day…. One adventure I can never have." He said sadly, hoping she understood that it was something he wished he could have, _they _could have together.

She sobbed again. "Am I ever going to see you again?" her voice cracked with emotion and he very nearly gave up right then and there. Who cares if two universes collapsed on each other? They had the Tardis, and a million other universes they could find. But it couldn't be so.

"You cant." He said sadly, shaking his head once.

"What are you going to do?" she was trying so hard to keep from crying. And failing miserably.

"I've got the Tardis." Just like always. When it boiled down to it, it was always just him, the Tardis and the stars. "Same old life, last of the Time Lords."

"On your own?" she asked him. You would think this would get easier with the amount of companions he'd had in his life, but this was by far the hardest goodbye he's had to say yet. He merely nodded.

"I—" she cut off, looking down at her feet. Then she looked back at him through her tears, her voice cracking in barely contained pain and misery. "I love you."

Her words were punctuated with more tears, but he thought those were probably the most beautiful words he had ever heard in his entire life. And this was his moment, his moment to be a coward and tell her what he had been too stubborn to tell her before.

"Quite right too," he whispered, surprised to her that his emotions were breaking free to the surface, and his eyes began to sting with tears, a sensation he hadn't felt in years and years. "And I suppose…. If its my last chance to say it." He took a deep breath, looking at her face, savoring it. "Rose Tyler—"

And she was gone. Her image in his mind was replaced with the real one, the wall of the Tardis. His mouth opened to form the next word he had been about to say, but no sound came out.

He silently closed his eyes and let himself feel human just this once. He let the tear slide down his cheek slowly, while it came to rest on the corner of his lips, another once followed. And another.

_Rose Tyler. _Her name echoed around his head tauntingly, and he welcomed the pain it brought. It proved that after all these years he could feel something. For that he could never repay her. 


	3. Chapter 3

DREAMS

"_I knew it, acting all innocent. I'm not the first am I? How Many Women have you abducted?"_

"_That's my friends"_

"_Where is she then? Popped out for a nice walk?"_

"_She's gone."_

"_Gone where?"_

"_I lost her."_

"_Well you can hurry up and lose me!" …. "How do you mean lost?"_

"_I spent Christmas just over there, at the Powell Estate with a… family. My friend, she had this family. Well…. Still, gone now."_

"_Your friend, who was she?"_

"_There's something I'm missing Martha. Something really close. Staring me right in the face and I cant see it." …. "Rose would know. A friend of mine, Rose, right now she'd say exactly the right thing."_

The Doctor sat strait up, immediately wiping the tears that had fell from his eyes onto his cheeks. He had dozed off, and sleeping had become a constant fear for him lately.

He had never really needed much sleep to begin with, sometimes he could go a week without it, and then only really needed a good six hours to be back to feeling like himself. Trouble was, since that… day he hadn't slept at all. Three weeks, two days and six hours earth time since he had last seen her.

The Doctor tried to erase his mind of his dream, but it seemed to want to plague him. He sat in his room, picking up the book he had been attempting to read before he fell asleep. The dream had started out innocently enough, something about bananas. Then his mind seemed to want to remind him all he had lost in those past few weeks, every conversation that had revolved around her, that made him want to throw something in anger at the injustice of the universe.

He snapped his book shut and went to find Martha. They had just left the Elizabethan era, after being chased strait into the Tardis by the soldiers of none other than Queen Elizabeth I herself. That was mere hours ago, but he was ready for another adventure. He needed to get her off his mind before he went insane.

_The Doctor walked across a glassy lake where the stars were reflected pristinely, except for when his footsteps made slight ripples across the surface. The water was not actually water, but a metal liquid similar in consistency to mercury, but more dense. This planet had it in abundance like Earth had oceans. It was a small planet, called Rachitilloin, named for the metal oceans. But he had brought her here to see it because when it was in the right position of its orbit, the lake glowed a soft emerald green at night. That, coupled with the bright stars that you seemed to be walking on (yes, the rachitilloin was dense enough to walk on) this planet was simply breathtaking. _

_He looked over his shoulder to see her standing at the edge, looking giddy but a little apprehensive. "Sure you're not just using some Time Lord trick and I'll just fall in?" she asked him with a small smile._

_The Doctor walked carefully back over to her. You had to keep your feet flat or else you _would _fall through, and he told her exactly that. "Just keep your feet flat. Besides, if you fall in you'll get extremely sick and then what would I do without my brave companion?" he asked with his brilliant smile. _

_Rose held out her hand to him and he took it as she took a small step onto the metal lake, testing it out to see if she could actually do it. When it supported her weigh she eventually got her other foot on, gripping the Doctors arms in a vice like way that really didn't hurt him at all. _

_He smiled at her. "There no, not so bad eh?" _

_Rose shook her head, and still holding onto one of his arms, they walked out onto the ocean, waiting for the liquid to glow green like he had promised. They talked about nothing and everything in particular. It was moments such as these when the Doctor learned more about Rose then he did at any other time. And he told her some personal things as well, though those were harder for her to get out of him._

"_Rose," he said suddenly, stopping her midsentence to point in the distance. The horizon had taken on an emerald glow like he had promised, and it was slowly making its way closer to them, like a creeping fog._

_She stared at it in amazement. "How is it doing that?"_

_The Doctor looked down at her, taking in her expression as she watched it. She looked like it was the most heavenly thing she had ever seen. Out of all the things he had shown her in the universe, this was bar far his favorite reaction. It seemed he lived to get positive reactions out of her now, to impress her. _

"_It's the angle of their sun." He told her. "This proceeds the sunrise by a couple hours, and soon the sun will be up and you'd see the deep purple color of the metal." He said, watching her still._

"_Its beautiful." She whispered._

"_Mmm…" he mumbled his agreement, and she looked up at him, the smile on her face fading slightly, and the intensity in her eyes replaced with something else entirely. _

_His eyes roamed her face hungrily but he didn't move. He knew that if he moved even slightly everything he had been fighting for to prevent between them would go down the drain._

_She looked down at her toes, and when she looked back up at him, her eyes were shining with tears. He was confused and wanted to brush them away but reminded himself to stay put. They could be tears of happiness over the beauty of the place they were in. Women were odd that way._

"_I—"she started, then she looked away from him, her words chocking up. Rose took a deep breath as the sun broke over the horizon much faster then it should have and they were suddenly standing on the beach, the purple rachitilloin picking up momentum and rolling in waves that was uncharacteristically violent. "I love you." She told him, and he opened his mouth to return the words. _

"_Rose Tyler," but at that moment, she disappeared. He took a fumbling step forward, reaching out and finding his arm go right through the space she had been. "Rose?" he called quietly at first, feeling panic rise up in him. He had promised Jackie he would keep her safe, but more importantly, he hadn't had the chance to tell her, he had owed that to her right? "ROSE!" he cried, sinking to his knees._

"_Rose…"_

"Rose," the Doctor said as he awoke, mentally shaking himself, happy to find that this time at least, his face had remained dry. Well, it was more like his tears hadn't had time to fall. He had to blink a couple times to clear his vision and he walked out of the library just as Martha darted around the corner.

Once she saw him, her hand went to clutch at her heart. "Blimey Doctor, why are you screaming like that?" She questioned, and he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Even Time Lords have bad dreams Martha," he said blandly as he walked past her towards the kitchen. She left him alone.


	4. Chapter 4

THE PRICE OF HUMANITY

The thing about living forever, being a time lord that uses 80% more of his brain than a human, you have the capacity to turn emotions off, or feel them in an intensity 80 times more. Your memory is sharper and you can relive moments as if they just happened. Time passes but it doesn't change the past, but you can choose to shut it off. The Doctor tried that, for a day he tried to shut her out of his memories, when it became too much to handle, but that was the day he made a mistake worse than since he had since he grabbed her hand in that store surrounded by shop window dummies. Shutting her memory out of his mind, putting it behind that mental door took away every good he had created in him, and he couldn't bring himself to ruin her memory like that. She didn't deserve that, he couldn't do that. She brought humanity back to him, made him a better person than he had been, strutting about the universe in leather and jeans, mourning the loss of his people and taking it out on others through sarcasm and emotional reclusion.

He would rather live with the pain the thought of her brought than the agony and reversion back to his old self that shutting her out created

BAD WOLF

"Yes you are, you're brilliant," he told Donna in response to her self-degrading statement. He was examining the insect that had caused so many problems and confusion for his current companion. An entire parallel universe, created around her—it was enough to make him question the real significance of the woman seated across from him.

"She said that."

"Who did?" He asked off-handedly.

"That woman…. I cant remember."

"Well she never existed now."

"No, but she said... the stars... she said the stars are going out."

"Yeah, but that world's gone."

"No, but she said it was all worlds. Every world. She said the darkness is coming, even here." Donna said, and she looked haunted, eyes distant, seeing another world. The Doctor's attention was captured now. Parallel worlds were supposed to be sealed off, he had made sure of that, he reflected sadly. All this talk of parallel worlds inevitably led him to think of _her. _Even after a couple years, (three if you count the year spent with the master) her memory was still just as painful, but bitter sweet. He wouldn't have traded it for anything.

"Who was she?" The doctor asked. He thought of anyone in the parallel world he had met that would know much about the stars in twenty first century earth, enough to know that Donna would carry the story back to the doctor.

"I don't know." She was really trying to remember, but he couldn't stop the little spark of hope in him that thought maybe, just _maybe—_

"What did she look like?"

"She was…" Donna thought, for a moment, before saying what would give him more hope than was probably healthy. "Hope."

"What was her name?" He asked desperately.

"I don't know!" Donna was harassed, but he was beyond logic now. He needed to know.

"Donna, what was her name!"

Slightly, she shook her head, honestly either unable to recall or she had never known. "But she told me... to warn you. She said... Two words."

"What two words? What were they? What did she say?" Irrational now. What two words would convey such meaning to him that he would get a message? What was so important about the stars going out in an entirely different universe. A thrill of fear shot through him. Was it her universe? Was she in danger because he had been unable to pull her back into this world, her world?

"Bad Wolf." Donna said.

Simultaneously two emotions shot through him. Elation, it was Rose. His Rose had sent him a message, the first words between them in two years, even if they hadn't necessarily seen each other. It was contact, she was still alive and well out there, she was still thinking of him and hadn't given up on him.

Then fear, it was what Donna saw on his face. Those words were chosen carefully, they held the weight of the universe in them, and he thought of watching his planet and his people parish by his hand, but this would be different. The words held the message that the whole of creation was at risk, not just one species, one planet. Every species, every planet, every star…. Not even the Doctor had that kind of power.

"Well, what does it mean?"

He barely heard her. He jumped up and out of the small tent, and saw that they were everywhere- the words were suddenly plastered on every banner and street sign and even the Tardis.

"Doctor, what is it? What's Bad Wolf?"

Breathing heavily, eyes wide he told her. "It's the end of the universe."

And somehow his Rose was right in the middle of it.

GHOST TOWN

They stepped back onto the stolen earth, after finally locking onto a signal and finding that small pocket of time where it was hidden. "It's like a ghost town…." Donna said, looking around at all the destruction. No one was in sight; cars were left abandoned with doors open and the only light came from a distant street lamp.

He couldn't wrap his head around the Daleks' actions. Usually they killed everything in sight, not leaving people alive and taking them somewhere for who knows what. "Sarah Jane said they were taking the people. What for? Think, Donna, when you met Rose in that parallel world, what did she say?"

"Just… the darkness is coming."

"Anything else?"

She looked like she was about to answer him, but her gaze locked on something past his shoulder. Her gaze softened and she looked at him with a subdued happiness. "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

"What?" He was about to say, pointing out that she was stuck in a different universe, that he would give anything to ask her in person. But there was a seriousness in her expression, and she gave a small little nod. He turned to look over his shoulder, and both of his hearts must have stopped. There she was, standing at the end of the road looking almost exactly as he remembered. Her smile, the one she reserved just for him was plastered on his face, and he was in shock. It should be impossible for her to be there, after two (three) years locked away in an entirely different universe she was standing there with a ridiculously large gun. And he started to run. _They _started to run towards each other, and he didn't know what would happen when they met in the middle, but he couldn't think at all. His rose was back, she was there. He ran and ran, thinking that he would tell her, be brave and tell her to his face that he loved her, that he never stopped. But he saw her look to her right in fear, and he heard the tell-tale sound of a Dalek gliding in their direction. He skidded to a near halt, the moment suspended in time, and all he could think was that he had been reckless, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. Recklessness with Rose was worth every moment, and it was oddly fitting that this regeneration would end as it started—with Rose by his side.

The shot hit him with a painful blow, and his body contorted in pain, dropping to the ground. Distantly he heard the sounds of materialization, destruction and a gasp of anguish.

She dropped to her knees beside him, immediately pulling his head into her lap. "I've got you, it missed you. Look, it's me."

Even in all his pain, he smiled. "Rose…."

She had tears in her eyes but gave an attempt of a smile in return. "Hi."

"Long time no… see." He cringed in pain, but he felt slightly numbed, so blissful he could almost forget that he was dying.

"Yeah been busy, y'know…"

Pain rips tenfold through him, and he cries out. "Don't die, oh, my God, don't die. Oh, my god, don't die..."

Her mantra permeated his brain, reminded him that he had something to fight for. He vaguely realized he was being lifted and brought into the tardis, but whenever his eyes were open they searched for hers; Fearful and beautiful and _there. _Rose was really there.

REGENERATION

"I'm sorry, it's too late," he said, his apology mainly for Rose. He hated to put her through this again, new new new Doctor. She would have to grow to trust him again, to… to love him again. The thought was painful, and he needed to find a way not to change. "I'm regenerating."

His brain, doing its best to calculate through the pain and fire of regeneration, suddenly exploded with a new idea, and he took all the energy and with exhausting physical exertion, poured it all into a matching biological receptacle after his body was healed. His hand, from Christmas with Rose. Suddenly its gone, and he grasps onto the nearest object for support while he catches his breath. He looks at Jack, Donna and Rose, who gaze back in shock and confusion when their expectations were not met. "Now then, where were we?"

"There now…." Their expressions were amusing to him, and he stifled the urge to laugh as he bent down and blew away the last of the regeneration energy from the hand.

"You see? Used the regeneration energy to heal myself, but soon as I was done, I didn't need to change. I didn't want to, why would I?" He adjusted his tie with a smirk, "Look at me! So, to stop the energy going all the way, I siphoned off the rest into a handy bio-matching receptacle, namely, my hand, my hand there, my handy spare hand!" He looks right at Rose then. To think, he can look at Rose! Talk to her! "Remember, Christmas Day, Sycorax, lost my hand in a sword fight? That's my hand. What d'you think?"

She walks forward towards him, still disbelieving but relieved. "You—you're still you?"

"I'm still me," he says with a smile, and she launches on to him, embraces him with a desperation that he returns. He could cry and laugh and sing but he doesn't. He smiles though, one of his first genuine smiles since she left. And she grasps onto him, continually pulling herself closer and readjusting to get as close to him as possible, burying her chin into the crook of his neck. He feels her warm breath and he breaths in her familiar, sorely missed scent.

He so wishes he could kiss her. None of those feelings had left, in fact they were intensified from the separation. She would welcome it, he knew. She had told him she loved him, a fact he hadn't been able to deny at that moment at Bad Wolf Bay. But now was not the moment, they had observers and a universe to save. Just like the old days.

SOUL

_The Female and the Tardis will perish together. Observe!_

Rose slipped her hand into his, it was just as natural feeling as it always had been, but he almost wishes she hadn't. A Part of him was relieved it wasn't her he was watching become disintegrated within the Tardis. Donna Noble didn't deserve that from him. He watched as his home, the only thing remaining from his home planet besides himself, and his best friend disappeared from the world. The only thing that was keeping him grounded was her hand in his. He had always believed she had changed him for the better, and a younger version of himself, before he met Rose, would have lashed out in unrestrained fury, determined to seek vengeance for the Tardis and for Donna.

Now his grief stricken mind buried the worst of the anger that would jeopardize his life and Rose's as well. Instead he let grief was wash over him, he struggled not to drown in it, held above the surface enough to breath by Rose, though just barely.

_So very full of fire, is he not? And to think you crossed entire universes, striding parallel to parallel to find him again._

"Leave her alone," He commanded, the forced teasing manner he had portrayed slipping away as he gazed at rose. Parallel to Parallel? Just how many universes did she scour for him, how long until she realized it was the wrong universe? He swallowed a heavy lump in his throat. How long had it been for her since they were separated? Time, he knew, moved as fast or as slow as it wanted in different universes. Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey.

_I have seen. At the time of ending, the Doctor's soul will be revealed._

And what was meant by that. Would his past deeds, deeds he truly repented over, be exposed? Or- He gave a sideways glance to Rose—would the one good part of his soul be revealed. He thought he could deal with her knowing after all these years.

_Oh, my God! He found you._

She found him, more like. His clever Rose, promising him forever and doing all in her power to fulfill that promise; even though he had given up believing in the possibility of ever seeing her again, she hadn't.

He looked at her for the thousandth time since seeing her at the end of that street. He had to reassure himself she was still there.

_The Doctor's Soul is revealed. See him! See the heart of him._

He couldn't believe that he had never seen what he did to them before now. Innocently he pulled them into the Tardis to show them all of time and space, and to ease his loneliness if only for a little while. To them the danger, he knew, was a small price to pay for what they experienced. He watched each of his companions grow stronger and more independent, but he never realized he helped to create this—his friends that fought for him when he abhorred violence, who could threaten to kill an entire species without batting an eye.

He had never wanted that for them, and maybe why that wasn't until he saw it now. He took extraordinary, everyday people and turned them into warriors, weapons. It had to stop. He had to stop this….

This was his soul. The guilt he had always carried with him over the death of his people and his planet now amplified to near painful measures over these people he created to be like him. Maybe he did it on purpose, but refused to acknowledge it. He wanted company, a person he could relate to on almost anything. But he did it the wrong way, and he could never give them their lives back….

IMPOSSIBLE

They were all captured, about to witness the death of the universe. He knew not all of them would survive this afterwards. In all likeliness he may be forced to witness his friends' deaths. He couldn't. He would go mad, and all the anger he was fighting back so that he may think of a more humane way of escaping with all of their lives would break free. That would either be very good, or very bad.

Suddenly, he heard it. A noise that he thought he would never hear again. "But that's—" he whispered, stunned. She was back, and he looked on with a stunned expression as his tardis materialized in front of him. She was alive. Was Donna?

"Impossible!" Davros exclaimed.

Then, even more impossible, the Doctor, that is to say someone who looked _exactly _like him, ran out.

There were two of him. Impossible?

ALONE

They all gathered around the console. The Doctor, the human Doctor, Donna, Rose, Jackie, Mickey, Martha, Jack, Sarah Jane…. And he had to bring them all home. It was a thought that began in the back of his mind in the vault, if they ever escaped. Jackie and Mickey would have to be brought to the other universe, Sarah Jane had her son, Martha had UNIT, and Hack had torchwood. At the time he had believed, somewhat hopefully, that Rose would stay with him again. He would have her back and he could tell her wht she deserved to know, and maybe for a few years things would be blissfully happy between them.

But the universe works in mysterious ways, and it produced an exact replica of himself that was even more perfect for her than he was. And he cared for... loved her enough to realize that even if she didn't see it at first, the new doctor was best for her.

And he realized with a growing feeling of dread and loneliness that he would come out of this alone. He was always alone in the end, but it was hard to think that out of all these people here that not one cared _enough _to stay with him. Except for Rose. And Donna.

But Donna, he realized, would never even remember him after today, if he guessed right.

He was going to be alone. Always alone.

PURE TORMENT

"I look like him, I think like him," The doctor watched himself say, "Same memories, same thoughts, same everything. Except I've only got one heart."

It was surreal, to think this other man felt everything he did for Rose, had all of the same treasured memories of her, of ever touch and hug and laugh. Every almost kiss and every too-long glance. It was all this Other-Doctor's too. But this other doctor was what he wished he could be for Rose. With a timeline closer-related to hers, without the weight of the universe on his shoulders. He was jealous. Painfully, chest constricting jealous.

"Which means?" Rose whispered, but the Doctor knew she had probably pieced it together. She was so clever.

"I'm part human. Specifically, the aging part. I'll grow old and never regenerate. I've only got one life... Rose Tyler. I could spend it with you. If you want."

The Doctor could barely keep it together. He wanted to say all these things to her. Wanted to sweep her back into the Tardis with him and explore the stars once more with her by his side. He always wanted most what he couldn't have.

"You'll… you'll grow old at the same time as me?"

"Together."

He took a deep, calming breath. This was breaking his hearts. He watched her place a hand over the other doctor's heart, feeling the proof of his words. Was it so irrational that the Doctor wanted to kill him?

The tardis made a groaning noise, and he informed him that he had to leave, reality was repairing itself.

"But... it's still not right... cos the Doctor is... still you."

"And I'm him." She was still so confused about it all. Both of them represented a life she wanted, but she couldn't have both. Life with the doctor was exhilarating and they went so well with each other. But even if they managed to work beyond their friendship, it could never last. She could have a life with the human doctor. Not one amongst the stars like she craved, but a different kind of life she wanted. Only in the end, he knew which one would be better for her. It wasn't fair, but he was making her decision, because as much as it pained him now, he wasn't sure how he could deal with her leaving in the future because she felt too old for him, or she wanted children and the Doctor would refuse them. She would grow to resent him, and he couldn't deal with that. It would kill him.

"All right. Both of you, answer me this. When I last stood on this beach, on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me? Go on, say it."

"I said Rose Tyler."

"Yeah and how was that sentence going to end?"

He thought about telling her. Saying the words finally might have relieved him of a small burden, but he knew it would sway her decision. She would fight tooth and nail to stay with him if he said the words. He opened his mouth to say them anyway, but a part of him held back. It was the part that spent hundreds of years alone. He couldn't commit to the words like she could. They were just words at any rate, she knew how he felt about her. It was in everything he did, or said. Everytime he looked at her he knew he couldn't hide it. "Does it need saying?"

Rose looked disappointed in him, but she turned to his doppelganger and said, "And you, Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?"

The Doctor watched himself lean forward and whisper the words in her ear. How exactly was he telling her? He watched as his world started to fall apart with the look she gave him, the look she reserved for himself alone. Everything was a mess in his head. He wanted to watch as if this was all happening to him, because in a sense it was. But it wasn't. She wasn't gazing up at him in wonder after finally hearing what she deserved to, she wasn't grabbing the lapels of his suit and pulling him closer. She wasn't crashing her lips to his, finally, and wrapping her arms around his neck while he grabbed her waist and pulled her closer. The doctor wasn't—

His hearts must have shattered to pieces. He wanted to cry, a reaction only she ever brought out in him. He turned to leave, knowing he couldn't watch this anymore. It was pure torment. He resented himself, and he resented the new Doctor, who would spend the rest of his life with Rose Tyler.

He shut the door of the Tardis with a crashing finality. The last time he ever saw Rose Tyler, the woman he loved, she was kissing another man.

Pure Torment.

BITTERSWEET

_He watched Rose fix the pillows on their sofa with a happy smile on his face. Who knew he would one day und up appreciating domestic life? Not that their life was picket fences and rose bushes—both were high up in Torchwood, a facility the Doctor had practically revolutionized since his arrival. He put his nine hundred years of knowledge to good use, helping the human race to move out to the stars, but keeping it at a decent pace. Sharing the secret to traveling at the speed of light wasn't something he anticipated in sharing soon, it wasn't practical for a hundred years' worth of research to be fulfilled in one day by a random man giving it all away. _

_He didn't set much store by simple human nuances, but he knew that in some cases Rose did. His hands in his pockets, he rolled the simple ring between his fingers, knowing that this was something she wanted. "Aren't you ready yet?" He asked teasingly, and she glanced up at him with a bright smile. _

"_Yes. What are you taking me to see?" It was the twenty third time she had asked him, and he gave her the same 'ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' expression he had before. He merely reached a hand out to her, wiggling his fingers like he had since the beginning. Their story was one not many would ever, or could ever understand. But he liked it that way. It made them even more special._

_She walked over to him and lovingly wrapped her harms around his neck, and his hands drifted down to her stomach. They shared a kiss, something he would never, ever take for granted. Every kiss was better than the one before. Slowly he pulled away with a happy grin and bent at the knees to place a kiss at her stomach, where it protruded, seven and a half months pregnant with their first child, a daughter. _

"_Hello Jennifer Donna Martha Sarah Jane Jacqueline Tyler." He said with a teasing glance up at his Rose. She laughed delightedly but reminded him that they agreed on a more shortened version, without the names Martha and Sarah Jane. _

"_We can name our next daughter 'Jane Martha Tyler.'" She said, tongue poking out between her teeth. _

"_Are we naming our son 'Jack' then?" He pretended to look disgusted, and she pushed on his shoulder with a laugh. He kissed her impregnated stomach once more, took his wife's hand and led her out of the house. They walked down the street, talking happily about their future until they came across a stunningly familiar structure. He didn't think his smile could get much bigger as she ran a hand along the smooth surface and looked over at him. "Its this a—"_

"_Yup." He said, popping the 'p'. She stared at him, awestruck and stunned. "Go on," he said, laughing slightly. _

_She pushed open the door and slowly walked inside. "Oh my God," she exclaimed as he followed her. She ran a hand along the console, looking around. "It looks different." She observed._

"_They always change from time to time. Even Time Lords get tired of how their homes look." He offered as an explanation._

"_How did you… I thought you said they had to be grown?"_

"_They do." He scratched the back of his neck, knowing that this part of the conversation could be taken either way by her. On one hand, they had a tardis now, free to explore their new universe, but on the other he had kept it secret from her for a year. "She isn't done yet. It'll be a few years before she'll be able to enter the time vortex and survive. But that should be just enough time for our daughter to learn the ropes, a brand new Time Lady."_

_Rose grinned. They had discussed the possibility of their daughter inheriting the part of her father that was Time Lord. According to the doctor there was only a one percent chance she was just human—Time Lord DNA was very dominant. _

"_As to the how… I took a bit of the tardis in the other universe when he wasn't looking." It was always uncomfortable to talk about the Doctor they had left behind, the original one. For a while the new doctor second guessed Rose at every turn, and she had been confused about him as well. They had reached solid ground finally, sure about each other and their feelings. "It was harmless to her, but I knew the possibility of us ending up in this universe together, and I wanted to be able to give you the stars again."_

_She smiled at him and pulled him down for a kiss, running her fingers through his hair, trying to pull closer when their daughter was so obviously in the way. _

_When they pulled apart for air he brought the ring out of the pocket and held it up for her to see. It was a gold band inlaid with a very rare gemstone not found on earth. Torchwood had a decent sized sample and he stole a bit for her. "Will you marry me, Rose?" _

_She knew it wasn't something he particularly believed in, but it was important to her and therefore to him. She nodded with happy tears in her eyes and he slipped the ring onto her finger. "I love you," she whispered._

_He cupped her cheek in his hand and brushed one of the tears off of her cheek, smiling at her. "I love _you._"_

"Doctor?"

He lifted his head off of the console, an angry read line from one of the buttons stretching across his forehead. Amy attempted not to giggle at his disheveled look and failed dismally. But she noticed his expression. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes…" he trailed off, looking at his face in the reflective surface of the black monitor. It looked nothing like the face he had just seen in his mind. Not a dream, but a telepathic communication that neither had meant to forge. It spanned between two universes to connect them. Fate was showing him what he could have had. A year had passed since he left them in Bad Wolf Bay, and the pain had only just started to face, in part to his new regeneration. New face, new life. But it was all rubbed raw again.

"Are you sure?" Amy said, concern etched on her face for her new friend.

The doctor ran a hand through his hair, immediately regretting it because it made him think of Rose, running her hand through _his _hair as she kissed him. He swallowed a lump in his throat. "Its time for me to move on, Amy Pond." He said, gazing at her and trying to erase the all too happy images in his mind.

"Move on from what?" She asked.

How do you sum up something as spectacular as Rose Tyler?

"They were good times, they were good dreams but I have to move on." He said, to himself more than anything. He stood up and started to fiddle with the dials and levers. He was different, the tardis was different, he had someone different with him. Life was different and while he never, ever wanted to forget Rose Tyler, it was a bittersweet memory. Best to put the worst of it behind him.

"Now!" he cried, making Amy jump at his sudden change in mood. "Where to, Amy Pond?"

JENNIFER DONNA JACQUELINE TYLER

The Doctor half glared, half smiled at River as she ran around the console, preparing to fly the Tardis away from 21st century earth perfectly, when a noise he hadn't heard in _years _appeared.

He jumped up. "No way!" he cried, grabbing the monitor and gazing at it. He jammed the Tardis back into park when it was halfway though dematerializing. He ran out of the Tardis, ignoring River's bemused cry after him. He burst through the doors and came to a sudden halt. "No _way." _

Before him stood an exact look alike of his tardis, only red. Red!

He squirmed with anticipation as the doors opened, and out stepped a blonde girl, way too young to be traveling on her own. He would guess she was ten or eleven. But what was she doing with a Tardis?

"Hello Dad," she said with a smile.

"Dad?"

"They told me you might look different, but I suppose it is you, isn't it?"

"Who—what—_Dad!"_

"Dad?" came River's echoing tone of shock. He hadn't even realized she followed him out.

"Genetically." This girl spoke far too intelligently for a girl so young. "Genetically you're the same as my father, so in a way you are."

"I don't have a twin!" The Doctor exclaimed.

"Kind of, yeah you do. You must remember Doctor, twelve years isn't all that long for someone your age."

Twelve years. It was a time he thought back on often. He gazed at the girl, blonde with brown eyes a confident, slightly arrogant demeanor. It clicked for him. "You're—"

"Jennifer Donna Jacqueline Tyler."

"Oh," he puffed out in a gust of air. He ran a hand through his hair, and looked at River. "Well this complicates things.


End file.
